His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
