What did we do last night that was yellow?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
