Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
