One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
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