ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
