I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
