from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
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