Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
