I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
