i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
