I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
