why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
