you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
This baby is an asshole
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
