I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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