I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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