I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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