my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
