apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
