So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
