i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
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