Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
