The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
