I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
