I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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