Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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