Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Randomize
