i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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