Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize