someone threw a dead crab at me
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
this hospital has no fireball
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
