party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
