Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
