yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
