Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
