Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
