what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
where are my eyebrows?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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