woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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