Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
