She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
