Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
lets start a swedish sibling band together
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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