is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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