Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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