do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
