God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
