this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
