I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
