You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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