I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm passing your future prison.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize