Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
