You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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