mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
