what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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