he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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