i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize