That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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