someone threw a dead crab at me
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
