her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
