Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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