Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
