I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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